


Magic of the Moments

by alexus



Series: The Memories Remain [1]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 20:38:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14410122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexus/pseuds/alexus
Summary: Set in the Post-Chosen Buffyverse. Xander looks back thinking ‘bout the most important person in his life.





	Magic of the Moments

**Author's Note:**

> All characters belong to Joss Almighty

_Will you be there beside me_   
_If the world falls apart_   
_And will all of our moments_   
_Remain in your heart_   
_Will you be there to guide me_   
_All the way through, I wonder will you?_

I was never good at putting my thoughts together. But after all these years, being through so many things, fighting countless battles, surviving numerous Apocalypses, being to strange places, meeting new people and losing friends or lovers, after constantly having this new experience, I guess it’s time to share some thoughts, make some confessions.

I always had this fear of looking back, reflecting or analyzing. There’s too much mess in my life that I created, too many things I regret to this day, too many things I wish I never said. There are too many opportunities missed, too many chances fucked up, too many people hurt. I hate myself for this. Although self-loathing rarely works or brings some positive change, I can’t help but wonder, what kind of fool am I, why was so freaking blind, stupid and selfish?..

No matter where my destiny and my duties lead me nowadays: to the African savanna, snows of Himalayas, vampire towns of Transylvania, jungles of South America, megacities of Japan, or any other corner of the world, the thoughts and images from my past, memories of people and places continue to assault me.

If you ask me what would I do differently if I had a chance, I can probably give you a freakin’ loooooong list of things I wish I never screwed-up. But if those wise guys affiliated with the Council – or even the Wolfram-&-Fucking-Hart – could invent some kinda time machine or find another way to send Alexander Harris back in time, he would like to fix at least those things that bother him the most.

You know, if I could make sands of time flow in the opposite direction, I would do my best not to hurt the person I know longer than anyone else… The person that means to me more than anyone and anything else in this world. The person who has always been my shining light. The one I owe not spiraling down into self-destructing behavior and not becoming something like my father (though I’ve inherited much of old man’s assholism in the end). The one I love the most and ready to give my life for in a heartbeat. The one that loved me with all her generous heart, but I was too ignorant, too self-centered to notice. And when I did noticed it was too late…

Yeah, what is done can’t be undone, I know it. But knowing something doesn’t help with the acceptance of certain things. In my case it’s the realization that Xander Harris has blown his only chance for happily ever after away. That he had told the slightest possibility of making another person happy to go fuck itself. If he’d opened this freaking eyes and didn’t drool for every girl in sight... If he could think with something other than his dick! If he wasn’t so superficial...

Time for some guilt tripping down the memory lane, everyone! If I die tomorrow, let it be my small confession…

The first time I saw Willow I already knew there was something very special about her. Even at the age of five the small, fragile and shy red-haired girl seemed different than the rest of us. I myself was a little kid, I knew nothing about those things, but even back then my inner voice told me I should befriend the tiny redhead. Meeting Willow Rosenberg was definitely the happiest moment of my life.

Over the years the lovely green-eyed girl with the warmest smile I’ve ever seen, evolved into the beautiful woman, strong and confident, smart and talented, the kick-ass Wicca, the most powerful member and deputy leader of the Scooby Gang, the key person in the Slayer Organization’s chain of command, Buffy’s right hand, Giles’ companion in all things intellectual and magic-related. She developed her gift close to perfection: not only is she the Uber-Wicca, but probably someone who’s a very few steps away from becoming an Immortal.

Yeah, she had her ups and downs, made some wrong decisions in her life just like every one of us, lost people she loved, but her inner power and her will to carry on allowed my Willow to win against all odds. She’s one of the strongest and at the same time one of the most sensitive people I know in the whole white world. I love her no matter what. Love her with all my heart, even though I’m aware that we’ll never be together.

Whether I’m watching the Northern Lights of Antarctica or the sunset over Kilimanjaro, my thoughts sometimes are literally flooded with Willow. Her image follows me even in the remotest parts of the world. Her Resolve Face is something I need desperately in my life… I see her in the playground we used to share when we were small kids or sitting with me and Jesse on the sofa in her living room, watching something on TV. I see her near the lockers at Sunnydale High, in the Miss Calendar’s computer class, in the library or gym. See her taking part in patrolling or discussing something with G-Man and Anya at the Magic Box.

I see her staring lovingly at me when we hang out in the Bronze and see her hurt expression after finding out about me and Cordelia. I see the fear in her eyes when Angelus nearly killed her… See her pale form in coma on the hospital bed… I see her walking hand in hand with Oz and see her pain after their breakup. I can see her hugging me and Buffy while we try to deal with the Initiative stuff and see her showing love and affection to Tara. See her casting Buffy’s resurrection spell. See her holding my hand while we and other survivors of the Final Fight stand above the crater that used to be our hometown. I see her in the suburbs of Rio, mountains of Tibet or in one of the Slayer Organization’s many headquarters. See her in helluva lot of places doing helluva lot of things…

And above all my memory continues to bring me back to that last year in high school, to the evening of Homecoming, to her room… Those lovely green eyes and long black dress... So many years have passed, so many things have changed for both of us, so many people came into and walked away from our lives. And yet despite time, distance or circumstances, this moment is still ingrained deep in my heart.

_I didn't come this far for you to make this hard for me._   
_And now you want to ask me "how"?_   
_It's like how does your heart beat and why do you breathe?_   
_How does your heart beat and why do you breathe?_

_Why did you come here?_   
_You weren't invited._   
_You were on the outside_   
_Stay on the outside._

_And now you want to ask me "why"?_   
_It's like why does your heart beat and how do you cry?_   
_How does your heart beat?_

Most people will say it was nothing but a fluke. Hormone-induced lust born out of the unfulfilled desires of two teenagers, immature and inexperienced, cheating behind their significant others’ backs. Maybe it’s right, but… But sometimes it seems like life is worth living solely for those very special moments – the ones that’ll stay with you until your last dying breath. In this regards Alexander Lavelle Harris can leave this world with some happy memories on his mind…

For years after those golden moments I kept dreaming about Willow, about taking her home and making love to her like the world was going to end. Surprise, isn’t it? Sadly, I never knew what it was like to make love to Willow. Was it all about tender sweetness or the unruly passion? I could have known, if I was less stupid…

Yes, me and Willow, we did not have a chance. We’ve screwed everything up. I’ve screwed up, basically. Bad timing as usual, you know. She had Oz and part of me wanted to fix things up with Cordy. And then let us not forget ‘bout the fuckfest with a certain raven-haired slayer named Faith… Image of Willow in the cafeteria, broken-hearted after getting the news, haunts me to this day… God, how I hated myself for this… There were times I wanted to kill myself, literally to vanish from the face of the Earth. For in my case dying was much better than causing Willow pain or knowing that things would never be like before between us.

When I hit the road for my post-graduation trip I had no intention to come back to SunnyD. I’ve never told anybody and still wonder, what my life would be like if my uncle’s car hadn’t broken down in Oxnard… Would I make something of myself or live the life of a drifter, always running, always hiding? Believe it or not, but I was afraid to return and look her in the eyes, afraid to see her further walking away from me. I was afraid to realize that other people, Oz and Buffy in particular, took those places in Willow’s heart that used to be mine.

True, our friendship survived and we kept on loving each other in a pure platonic way, but… It was different. Then Anya and Tara became huge parts of our lives, and then there were Buffy’s death and resurrection, Will’s magic addiction and my preoccupation with the wedding preparations… Wedding that proved to be another fucked up chance on my behalf.

And then there’s another place my mind brings me back to constantly. The Kingman’s Bluff... Years went by, yet it seems like it was… almost yesterday. Tragic loss of a loved one. The rise of Dark Willow. Anger and despair. Desire to end it all. My own fear and uncertainty. Words of love, aching scars and bitter tears… I can still see Willow sobbing in my arms, feel the sharp pain flowing through her delicate form and some relief for finally doing something worthy in my life, for bringing my best friend back… For being there with her.

Whole lotta things happened ever since. We’ve tried to fight the First Evil, trained Potentials, defeated the First and his minions, lost people we loved (Anya, please forgive me for not saving you…), activated new slayers all around the world, left Sunnydale and the remnants of our shattered lives behind, then scattered around the globe, involved in the Slayer Organization affairs.

I still keep in touch with Willow. Though we’ve got a lot of job to do mostly in the opposite parts of the Earth and can’t cross our paths for most of the year, both of us are more than happy having any opportunity to meet face to face. To talk, hug, laugh, cry, drink some wine and remember good old times. We aren’t kids anymore, we’ve grown older, more mature, got our own, separate lives, but those rare moments make me truly happy, invoking the desire to live. I know Willow feels the same way too. And I really understand how truly blessed and happy I am for being near her for all those years…

_Delux_   
_Sublime_   
_Gigantic for all times_   
_And space_   
_I wish for you the stars_   
_Bow down_   
_I wish for you their infinite crown…_

The future is uncertain. No one knows where our roads will lead us in the end. And I know not what tomorrow brings. It can be the new beginning, but also the very last day of my life. Yeah, I’m scared sometimes. White Knights can be like that to, don’t you know? But as long as I have Willow and Buffy, Giles, Dawn, Andrew, Faith, Rona, Vi, Kennedy (and, hell, even Deadboy and Spike to some extent) in my life, I know what hope is. I know what I’m fighting for, who I’m fighting for, why am I fighting…

_So many times I see you in my mind when I'm not trying to_   
_I see a trellis gate and I run like a child who's late_   
_Whose friends are waiting for him…_

_Well I never stopped to realize what was passing me by_   
_But love has a texture_   
_Catch a glimpse a reflection_   
_Of what would should or could have been_   
_Pictures and memories and hope once again…_

I believe I’ll accomplish my latest mission in a day or two. Then Buff and G-Man will surely give old Xander some needed break. I’ll travel back to London and meet them both and also Dawnie and Andrew in our medieval-styled headquarters. And of course I’ll meet my Willow there. We’ll drink, chat, and hug, feeling once again like one big happy family. Against all odds we’re still together, still able to overcome, to stand our ground. Still have people we can rely on. And once again there’ll be this pure magic and chemistry when a certain redhead Wicca appears on the scene…

I cannot rewrite history, can’t change many of those things that I have done in the past. But at least I can do my best to be the truest and most loyal friend for the people I love and care about. For my sweet Willow… I’ll never let her forget how much she means to me, that as long as she needs me I will be by her side. Knowing that I can still bring this girl some happiness and joy makes me wanna fly…

Realizing all of this will surely make Xander Harris die a happy man…

**The end.**


End file.
